Fast Food Mecca

Posted: July 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

Although I know that six hour car ride does not really require a meal, I usually after about five hours become restless and require a short break to realign my vertebrae. I suppose I could stop anywhere along the road to stretch, catch enough air to jump start my weary mind, and be on my way again but it just won’t do. I feel the distant calling like so many before me to a place of great power and spiritual ecstasy and I know in my heart that there can be no peace until I have paid homage to this great deity. I’m speaking of course of the Fast Food Mecca. This great oasis in the vast wilderness draws travelers from near and far, each hoping to bask in its sanctity and become whole once again.

At this point maybe a little clarification is in order for those who are not familiar with these rare jewels of the highway. In North America at least, in the interest of efficiency and progress we’ve chosen to do away with the redundancy of stopping for gas and stopping to rest and stopping to eat, and replaced them with eating, pissing, fuelling megaplexes. Although each of these places is somewhat unique in its composition of the various gas stations and fast food companies, they all serve the same goal. Each operates with the type of raw efficiency that would make even Mao Zedong weep. A carefully designed car lane branches off to a multi-lane multi-pump gas station. People are expected to quickly gas up, pay the rude but efficient pimple faced gas attendant and move on. The cars are then funnelled back into the lane which directs them to the parking lot of the fast food palace. The palace itself is generally a pair of immaculately clean complimentary fast food establishments separated by pristine washrooms presumably designed to pay homage to their patron deity. It is a wonder to behold.

My own personal Mecca is a combination Esso/Wendy’s/Tim Horton’s . For a little background on each, Esso is the retail arm of Imperial oil, which is really just a front for Exxon. Exxon of course is the oil behemoth that makes billions in profit faster than you can say oil soaked sea otter. Wendy’s is a McDonald’s wannabe who’s flagship sandwich the Baconator is designed for those wishing to follow in the footsteps of its founder Dave Thomas who died of a massive coronary. Tim Horton’s is a uniquely Canadian coffee and doughnut franchise which is revered second only to hockey in our hearts. I can only assume they’ve added cocaine to their coffee to explain people’s fascination with this watered down flavourless beverage. ( hopefully no Canadians read this or I will almost certainly be hung for treason )

Well here we are back to the beginning one again. I pulled into this highway resort intent on purchasing both a greasy death burger and fries, as well as my cocaine laced coffee. This would require some doing as it meant visiting both counters, but I felt confident as I had successfully accomplished it in the past. As I approached the doors, I mentally scolded the pesky people loitering in front. Just when I was about to brush past these rude people, reality struck; these were not loiterers, this was the end of the line up for both establishments. My heart sank. I waited in line for twenty minutes, purchased my meal, glanced longingly at the coffee counter and left. I drove off eating my chicken sandwich and fries, all the while thinking sadly how much richer my life could have been if only I’d had that coffee.

Once again please feel free to criticise my work. If no one comments, I will naturally assume I’m brilliant. My head will swell to the size of a giant pumpkin and I will appoint myself supreme global dictator after a bloody coup. Countless lives may be spared by your words. Think about it.

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