End Of The World Survival Kit

Posted: January 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

With the end of the world coming far more frequently these days, you can never be too prepared. In the unlikely event that you will somehow survive the series of unfortunate events that lead to the earth’s demise, you’re going to need a few important items. Making an end of the world survival kit is easy, fun and rewarding. To get you started, I’ve compiled a list of some essential items you will need to ensure your postapocalyptic experience is a safe and enjoyable one.

1) A Hammer and Wooden Stakes – Its’s impossible to turn on the tv without seeing some movie or show about vampires. There is good reason for this. Although vampires have mostly kept in the background, in reality they have long been waiting for just this type of event to enslave what’s left of mankind. Everyone knows that the only surefire way to kill a vampire is to drive a stake through its heart, so keeping a quality hammer and a good supply of stakes is paramount. Besides there’s something almost erotic about firmly grasping your hammer while caressing a nice piece of ash.

2) Reality TV Season Series DVDs – Everyone knows that zombies will play an important role in any end of the world scenario. It’s a well-known fact that zombies attack you simply to eat your brain. In order to avoid this, watching endless reruns of Survivor, Big Brother etc. will ensure that you have little, to no brain activity. If zombies can’t sense you have a brain, they’ll leave you alone.

3) Silver Bullets – Werewolves are very resilient creatures, and for this reason they will almost certainly be something you will have to contend with. Keeping a healthy supply of Silver Bullets should protect you from those nasty creatures. When werewolves come to your door, invite them in for a beer. After only a few sips of that watered down, piss poor excuse for a beer, they will leave in disgust, never to return. It’s probably best to keep real beer on hand as well, to keep you from drinking your Silver Bullets in desperation.

4) A Holy Bible – Demons will be prominent at the end of the world, and will likely be coming to feast on your soul. When demons come to your door, invite them in and begin reading them scripture. No one likes being preached at, and demons won’t too. After a few awkward moments, the demons will politely excuse themselves and say they have to be going. After the demons leave, it’s probably best to avoid the bible, you’ll need to keep your wits about you, although it may help with the aforementioned zombies.

5) A Big Happy Smile – This will be the toughest one to come by. Practice by spending hours grinning into the mirror. People generally avoid you, and keep a healthy distance, when you smile all the time. This skill will only be magnified when you do this amid unprecedented carnage and misery, and marauding gangs will likely give you a wide berth.

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