A Sad Fool (Warning: Depressing)

Posted: July 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

I’d like to say that I’m feeling better, but that would be a lie. Pretending to be happy when you’re not is probably one of the more foolish things you can do in life, so unfortunately you get to read about it. I guess like many people before me, I’m going though a mid-life crisis. It’s very difficult lately to not look back on my life and not feel I’ve wasted what should have been the best years. I tried way too hard, for way to long, to fit into a world in which I simply didn’t fit. Maybe it was my deeply religious upbringing, or the fact that I was sexually abused at a young age, but I never felt comfortable in my skin. Because of the stigma attached to this, and deep shame I felt for so many years, I felt totally alone. It was only a few years ago that for the first time I was able to confide in anyone. I finally went to a clinical psychologist about two years ago, and she was the first person I ever told. I have since told my siblings and a few friends, and in truth that has been deeply liberating. My problem now is that after all these years of hiding in a shell, I have no idea where to start over. I guess I needed this help nearly forty years ago, but being poor, in an isolated town, at a time when few mental health services were available, meant that it was left to fester all my life, and leaving me paralyzed to do anything about it. I know now that keeping the abuse, and my sexuality hidden for so many years was a cowardly thing to do, and this is the only thing I still feel ashamed of. I know that I need to move on from this, and start rebuilding my life, but I’m really not entirely sure where to start. I apologize for telling such a depressing story, but I feel sometimes that the only way to get past the darker moments of my life, is to write about them. I’ve gotten past much adversity in my life, and I plan to get past this too.

 

Your Fool

 

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Comments
  1. barnabyd says:

    I think you are definitely on to something with the writing thing. That story I wrote about that kid Brian helped me hugely and by showing it to my siblings I was able to talk about the assault for the first time.

    I know now that keeping the abuse, and my sexuality hidden for so many years was a cowardly thing to do, and this is the only thing I still feel ashamed of.

    It was neither cowardly or shameful what you did. It is impossibly hard for guys to talk about these things. If you were abused you have been living with PTSD all these years. It’s going to take a while for you to heal. You have started the journey and you should be proud of that

    • foolsmusings says:

      Thank you! It’s nice to hear that from someone who understands what I went through. You should feel proud of that story, I wish I’d found it in me to do that thiry years ago.