August Blues

Posted: August 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

I remember like it was yesterday, thirty-two years ago almost to the day, I went to the big city of Toronto for the first time. I was fourteen years old, just getting ready to go into high school, and enjoying the final couple of weeks of freedom by going to the Canadian National Exhibition. I had up to this point never really gone anywhere and to go with just a friend to the big city left me feeling pretty grown up. We took the bus there, and stayed at his grandmother’s place right downtown. His grandmother was a feisty old Polish lady who drank like a fish, and there was never any doubt about what was on her mind. She picked us up at the bus station and then proceeded to buy us a case of beer (we were thirsty after such a long trip).

In the time that we were there, we would walk to the exhibition grounds each day. Its wasn’t very far and we got to the city a little, and also got to see  all the different people. I remember clearly my friend kept commenting on all the hot girls he kept seeing, and I kept missing.  He kept saying things like “Holy Fuck, how could you have missed that?”. The thing was that I wasn’t missing anything. I had never before seen such a collection of cute young guys. I think that it was at this point the I first realized that I was attracted to guys, although as a good Catholic boy I was loath to admit that even to myself.

I wish I could go back to that kid now and tell him that it was OK to feel that way. To say it didn’t matter that I was gay and to just be himself. It’s a little difficult not to look back on that time with regret at what could  have been. I guess I still have a lot of growing up to do. I guess the best way to look at is that I really do still have a chance to find the same joys of awakening even at my age. I just wish it wasn’t accompanied with same feelings of teenage awkwardness. Maybe that’s part of the whole experience too.

Your Fool

Here’s one of the few pictures I have of when I was that age. I think I posted it before.

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